Today’s entry is brought to you by KD Sarge. KD writes science fiction and fantasy. She is the author of Knight Errant and His Faithful Squire (coming in August), both from Turtleduck Press. Neither contains landsquid, but she does have two-thirds of a fantasy trilogy that includes a few. Follow KD on Twitter at twitter.com/kdsarge or lurk on her site at kdsarge.com.
In Defense of Landsquid
When the lovely Kit Campbell asked me to do a guest post in defense of landsquid during Landsquid Versus Alpaca week, I jumped on the chance. Once I’d squished that chance flat, though, I wondered. Landsquid versus alpaca? Like in a fight? That’s easy.
Anyone knows that in a battle to the death, the landsquid is going to win every time. Yes, the alpaca has a weight advantage and that killer instinct, but the landsquid has tentacles. As anyone who has faced the Kraken can tell you (probably through a seance), it’s the tentacles that get you. Once the landsquid has latched onto the soft underbelly of the unwary alpaca…
But that is a gory scene, and one easily avoided by never letting a landsquid scent the smug self-satisfaction of your average alpaca. So rather than detail such a doomed match, I thought I’d expand on the awesomeness that is the common landsquid.
Did you know there is another area, besides cage-fighter and pet, where the landsquid surpasses all other animals? Indeed! It’s travel. Certainly the common landsquid cannot carry the weight an alpaca can, but consider its many advantages:
1) It will never step on your foot. It may wriggle across, but the landsquid’s mass is spread out, and this does not hurt nearly as much as the toe-smashing you’ll get from any alpaca.
2) Less food to carry. Sure, an alpaca can graze, but what if there’s nothing for it to eat? Lie down by a hungry alpaca and you’ll wake up wearing nothing but your boots and garters. The landsquid, on the other hand, can subsist on a diet of nothing but dry scotch and small rocks.
3) The landsquid, as mentioned, spreads weight across its many legs, allowing for safer travel on steep terrain. Ever had an alpaca trip over its own feet and pitch you into a near-bottomless canyon? That won’t happen with the landsquid. A means of transit more reliable than tentacles may not exist.
4) Landsquid are great climbers. That rare and valuable cliff-flower growing fifty feet above your head? Gain your landsquid’s cooperation (see: dry scotch) and that flower is yours. (Note: the beasts are not useful in mining. Not unless you like cave-ins, anyway. Also, do not use in lieu of a canary. You will be dead long before the landsquid begins twirling its tentacles and whistling showtunes.)
5) Alpacas spit.
6) Most livestock are banned from taverns, but landsquid are welcome. The reason? Before they are weaned, landsquid learn that washing dishes = getting dry scotch. What other beastly companion can not only earn its own refreshment, but possibly yours as well?
7) In dire straits, you can wear a furry landsquid with no damage to yourself or the squid. Try doing that with an alpaca. (Note: apply dry scotch before attempting.) Sure, you can shave an alpaca for a warm coat, but do that in the high country and that beast will be toes-up by dawn.
8.) Landsquid can go anywhere. Take an alpaca in the desert and it will melt, take it on a ship-journey and it will spend the trip hanging that long neck over the side. Landsquid love playing in the rigging of a sailing vessel. They adore desert sand (If your landsquid vanishes, do not fall for the ant-lion* trick. Simple bring out your scotch bottle, shake it, and move on. The squid will follow and you won’t have painful sucker-marks to tend.) They swim. They swing through jungles as handily as any ape.
9) Landsquid are a dude- (or chick-, if such be your preference) magnet. I’m telling you. Those big, staring eyes, the soft, pettable fur, the restless tentacles…the hotties can’t keep their hands off. Play your cards–and your squid-earned booze–right, and you won’t sleep cold a night of your journey. If the locals don’t meet your exacting standards, you always have a landsquid to snuggle! (Further note: warmth is the only reason to take a landsquid to your bed. Versatile they may be, and easily plied with liquor, but they do have limits.)
Now you know. Leave the alpaca to the hipster, the flashy wanderer with his trendy sandals and multi-functional tent. The well-seasoned traveler chooses landsquid.