Tales of a Writers’ Conference Newbie – Fears

So, yesterday I signed up to attend the Pike’s Peak Writers’ Conference, held in Colorado Springs, CO over the weekend of April 29-May 1.

I have been thinking about attending a writers’ conference for about a year and a half.  I hear from fellow writers as well as agents and editors that they are rewarding experiences.  My mother, who wrote for a time about ten years ago, attended several and thought they were well worth her time. 

But to be honest, the idea of a writers’ conference kind of terrifies me.

I have been lucky enough over the years to find writing groups that have been beneficial and supportive, but, on some level, I almost feel like I’m not good enough.  Like, if I go to this sort of thing, if I talk to other writers and agents and editors, they’re going to laugh at me.

Is this an irrational fear?  Maybe.  I don’t know.

I admit I’m terrified.  Even filling out the registration was nerve-wracking.  One of the questions asked “What is your primary genre?”  I clicked on the pulldown, expecting to be able to select “Fantasy.”  Instead I found myself confronted with four choices: fantasy, YA fantasy, urban fantasy, and YA urban fantasy.  I write all of the above.  I had to ask my collab partner and my husband for their opinions before tentatively going ahead with YA fantasy.  I’m sure it doesn’t really matter, but I kind of feel like I’ve messed up before I’ve even made it to the conference.

The next question asked “What was your last published title?”  I stared at that one for a long time, debating whether or not I should put Hidden Worlds.  It is technically “published,” though I self-published it.  Because it was through Turtleduck Press, there is a level of oversight that most self-published works don’t have, but at the same time, I’ve been on enough writing communities to know how negative most writers’ opinions of self-publishing is.  For example, AbsoluteWrite‘s forums are a treasure-trove of information, but some members’ posts on the matter are so volatile, it makes me uncomfortable to be there, whether I’m discussing self-publishing or not.

What’s really pathetic about the whole thing is that I have no regrets about Hidden Worlds.  Putting it out has been a fantastic experience, and I shouldn’t be ashamed of a novella that has received universally four and five stars reviews across all the platforms it’s listed on.  I like having control of my own marketing and distribution.  Yes, I am still pursuing traditional publishing for other projects, but self-publishing has been rewarding.

In the end, I left it out. 

I don’t know why I feel like I’m sneaking into somewhere I don’t belong.  I’ve been writing seriously for eight years.  I have several drafts under my belt.  I’ve edited and polished, I’ve researched.  I’ve written queries and summaries and have been querying on and off for about a year.  I have short stories in anthologies.  I’m in the middle of submitting a short story to magazines and I’ve gotten several partial requests.  It’s not like I haven’t done my homework.  It’s not like I don’t want this.  Writing conferences are supposed to be for people like me.

Yet, on some level, all those fears remain.